Valtrex addiction

I just had this awful thought that at this point seems true "you will forever be alone" I wish I was looking for attention, sadly I am not. I am so picky and I have messed up my life enough to say... it is very likely true.

Despite my intelligence, despite my supposed drive, I think I may have reached genuine mediocrity, perhaps failure.

I have a job coming, nothing to brag about. I am at the point that I think my slump has turned into failure.

It is hard to feel positive at this moment. I don't even know how to describe it.

I broke my back, that sucked (it is acting up right now, actually), despite that, I feel I should be doing much much more.

I don't know what to report, I am too bitchy, ... yay?

I think I have discovered part of the reason I have largely stopped posting. I was looking for an old acquaintance's email address in my gmail and came upon a response to an old post I made. I decided to read it and it brought back some memories I had until now largely forgotten. The fallout from when I broke up with Matt. It was arguably the hardest one I have ever gone through, mostly because I felt so incredibly mislead. There are others that trump it in some regards, but a part of me has never let it go entirely. It seems absurd to me how it effected me, but that's how it happened. I am glad to have the opportunity to reflect on my past... but maybe there are things that should simply remain in the past, period. Is a journal a double edged sword, or is it simply that I am still stuck in the mindset of a naive 20 year old boy?

I never thought I would MISS president bush. I would have sword under oath a couple years ago there could be nothing worse that this country under his leadership... I was very naive. to paraphrase system of a down "obama's indoctrinating our nation" *as opposed to indoctrination of our nation")school teachers teaching our' children songs of his supposed praises? WHAT THE FUCK. we are on the way to a new era of stalinism. I am fucking scared.

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I am depressed. Years theoretically mean nothing to me. I secretly hate every anniversary of my birth (not so secretly... I get more cunty on that day year after year). I just fucking hate a lot of things, I own like that. I don't even want to bother making this sound intelligent... Fuck today.

I fucking hate people. I love my friends, I love a lot of people. I keep getting fucked though... In so many directions, I get fucked.

Despite all of the shit I constantly deal with, most of which I don't even write about because I think private entries are passive agressive and I like to think I have nothing to hide... the world finds a small way to shit on me.

I hung out with my brother tonight/lastnight. He told me that my cousin was informed of an email I sent my uncle (essentially dead to me) of the following letter.

No offense intended, but I would prefer for you to direct any money
you send to me to go to charity (I would also request that it be
anonymous) . The following link is to an organization I would be very
happy with, although cancer and autism are others I support, choose at
your' discretion. http://ran.org/what_we_do/protectanacre/faqs/

I thought that I was rather diplomatic, considering I hate him. I now feel like a total asshole... this motherfucker is not even family to me anymore, a few extra bucks would be very much appreciated, but I have no desire for bday or xmas money from him. It i essentially blood money to me.

I wonder if I am wrong for telling him to donate it. I think he is an even bigger asshole for spreading it out with my family. I kept this shit contained, I simply told my own brother that we were no longer talking, my brother got word of my email through osmosis. FUCK DISCRETION, that seems my uncle's philosophy..


I am ranting.. FUCK HIM that works.

I just sent a friend from grade school the following list of sentiments....

1) I regret it, but if you don't wise up, I am no longer going to be in your' life.
2) You have beautiful children I do not want to get hurt, think of them more than yourself
3) wake up, you and your' kids deserve better, and if you alone cannot provife it, at least make sure THEY have a better life
4) I feel I SHOULD call the authorities and if you ever want to talk to me again, you will take steps, if you contact me without getting welfare, drug-dealing daddy deported, I shall do so an it would be a miracle if you ever see them again, as I will testify.

yet to receive a response.


I have people. I was requested as godfather... I declined, but I feel like I am in that role regardless... lame.

I am not arguing in favor of the largely unchecked status of the tobacco industry... But give me a break, the price has become insane. I recall a time after I made the foolish decision to become a smoker, when four dollar seemed absurdly high for a single pack. I am now paying 10 bucks for a 2 pack "special" this is absurd. If I want to "kill myself" why the hell should I double, or even triple the cost to do so? the bottom line is money needs to come from somewhere for these amazing economic reforms that SOMEBODY says will make the economy grow, that someone says is "needed" "necessary" and despite his inflated salary, personal holdings... has very little effect upon him.

I am very much for the bill of rights, I am very much for the first amendment. The sad thing is, I don't feel like they apply to me.

As I type this, I am afraid, afraid that my own thoughts are under review. some lackey in Washington is probably having a field day, perhaps not as I write this, perhaps not for my grammatical errors, but because he did his job.

President obama should be singing, because under current law, all of my life could be seized, frowned upon, and questioned for an indeterminate length of time.

Bush essentially created homeland security as a prelude to Marshall law, although nobody of note would ever say that. or at least not after the first broadcast. We are giving up all rights, having elected him. He is at the very least a pock mark on our economy, and potentially the next man to start a heavy military issue. he also refused to salute his flag, something I did once myself to object to the institutionalized concept in schools (I tried to make a point) love of a country and or it's ideals cannot be forced.

I do love this country despite any mistakes, I think most have grown enough to WANT what it stands for, so why do we so often fall short?

Think more? hope more? stop being deadbeats?

I am the last person to shit on the constitution. I have been thinking about that number one though. Since when has the press been reduced to a tabloid overall? i think it should have a bit more dignity than exploiting the first amendment. It was written to make it permissible to question the government, not to humiliate people for a profit. Just a thought.

Well, it has been some time. I don't even know why I bother posting really. I guess sometimes it is nice to get shit out in a... different outlet. there is something about writing. I switched to a hand written journal, but I packed it away, so I suppose this is the next best thing.

I have hit something of a curious impasse. I have moved, I retain the anger about said move... things keep cropping up my dogs bark (that was fixed by switching units and thus gaining neighbors that are not really cunts). But now some twat has complained about "odors" (my dogs are not always perfect about using the outside as a bathroom) this is supposedly a lease violation. Guess what, I have a fucking steam cleaner and the rugs are shampooed AT LEAST twice a month. I am conscienscious about that sort of thing. Bad neighbors need to die. My IMMEDIATE neighbor is shocked, he LOVES my dogs, he is a good man. I have come home at 2 in the morning, and six in the afternood, smelling weed in the hallway. I have said NOTHING because while I am not turned on by weed, it is not hurting anyone, and I could care less what my neighbor does in his own time, it does not leak into my apartment.

what happened to a knock on the door? a simple "hey, could you stick a glade next to the door?" would be nice. Yet some twat decided to complain, rather than have the decency. Now I might have to let the dogs go or get evicted... I shampooed again after buying an additional 50 bucks in shit, just to be sure that the FEW accidents were taken care of.

Bah. I hope it turns out ok. My previously mentioned immediate neighbor said he would speak on our behalf, although I am skeptical about it making a difference. my misanthropy is growing again...

I wish I could put into words how..."BAH!" I am with myself and the world at the moment. Simply said, I just don't even know myself...

I miss the days when the melancholy did not seep into my every word. I used to approach things with at least a semblance of consideration. My journal entries are, sewage. Even with answers, I am endlessly morose, a pool of filth. I feel like I used to have comparatively inspired skills when I would write. Perhaps I just have just grown up a bit. I think i have regressed.

I could have gone to Hawaii, I could have gone to UMN, I went to Hamline.
I have NO idea why I chose the lesser-known school. I really don't. I don;t exactly regret it. I was worried about the money of Hawaii, the size of UMN. I could ACTUALLY go home on the holidays if I stayed on the continent, I had friends in MN, I had grants that made it just as cheap to go there as UMN would have been. WTF though? I end up with owing thousands of dollars, being hurt, losing friends, and to top it all off, being mopey on the (arguably) happiest day of the year for the folk of my grand daddy. Sorry, today is just littered with bad memories. Another post if I can feign typing later.

I am ashamed to admit that I know it, but the new southpark TOTALLY ripped off the lizzy mcguire movie, as well as problem child. The scene screwing with the microphone and video feed being turned around to trip up the antagonist... yeah. I respect it though, it's what southpark does... I am just ashamed I got the reference.

Remind me never to do that shit again. I went down to the bar to chill for a while,l a while turned into quite a while.little did I realize that despite pacing myself, I would wind up with a hangover. I felt the buzz going a little, but then I switched to water like a good boy. yeah, not so good. I slept in for the first time in a week. Maybe it was the 3 gimlets and 2 bloody marries, maybe it was the seabreaze I had, but I'll tell you what didn't give me a hangover... SMOKING. nah,I'm pretty sure it was the glass of red wine I had at home.

I think I need to keep an actual journal. It seems moot and even passe` to post here anymore. Anyone have a good recipe for yummy corn salad?

I think I need to make a big change, a big, big change. I don't think I have been genuinely happy in about 4 years. I allow myself to get bogged down by the bad things too easily, when I should really just say "fuck it, I'll make it better". Getting the drive to make that new reality is not going to be easy, but I'm kind of sick of being a depressed misanthropic "realist". I have been longing for past happiness instead of trying to find something new. I think after I get my situation straightened out a bit I might do something drastic. I have always wanted to check out Seattle, maybe a move there wouldn't be too bad.

So, I return to my new diggs lastnight, only to get drunk dialed by an ex. I happen to still have feelings for this ex. For the purpose of sanity, w shall call him "hip" ( as in douche bag that hates his own habits in others but extole's their virtues concerning his prolific display of said traits). Anyway, I sit down, have a couple drinks and a fairly nice conversation wih hip. I excuse myself for a cigarette, so hip decides to drunk dial me. I adress my concerns (that hip seems to be hinting at a reconciliation... Well, I apparently danced around it too much, I get hung up on. I then get texted with " I am intolerant of you being inderect"... So I am stuck between "fuck off" and "I didn't mean to upset you, sheesh". I am mostly leaning towrads fuck off. Hurray to the mayor of block your' ex' numberville.